Right now I am sitting here trying to decide how to start this post. Should I start by telling you all the things I've done since I've been here? Or about all the food I've eaten, the people I've met, or the different places I've stayed at? Hmmm, I think no. I'll save all that fun stuff for later. I think I'm going to let you guys have (yet another) peek into my soul. I have only been gone for 12 days, and already this trip has changed everything. Take a peek into what I wrote in my journal after only 4 days of being here. "I could not have imagined that coming back here would be this hard. I knew it would be emotional for sure, and it has been-but what I didn't think about, was how difficult it would be to be back in this place, knowing it is no longer my home. I walk the streets, ride the buses, eat the food, and speak the language, but all of that feels completely different when you don't live here. When this was my home, I had an apartment. I went to school, went to work, went to band practice. I hung out with friends, had daily chores and duties to attend to. Now I feel like a tourist. Most of my friends have moved away; moved on to other cities, other countries, other lives. This city is full of 8 million people, but to me, it feels like a ghost town. Nothing here has changed, but everything has changed. It feels like the same place, but it no longer feels like home. To me, this realization is both a blessing, and completely heartbreaking. For three years, I have been pining for this place. So much so, that I have missed a lot that has been right in front of me while in America. I now realize, that this chapter in my life, is closed. And it has been closed for some time, but I have just been unable, or unwilling to accept that. I realize now that this trip was not just for fun, and to see Xi'an again, but to help me get closure. Closure that until right now, I didn't even know I needed! Yes, I miss this place greatly, but I realize now that I need to let it go. Acknowledge that it was an incredible 2 years that I am eternally grateful for, and then let it go. I will always have the memories, and the love, but I need to move on. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't want to live in the past either. I need to just worry about enjoying the present. I no longer live in China, and I don't know if or when I will again, but I now know that I can't spend my life worrying about that, or living in the past. I have a wonderful family, amazing boyfriend that I can't live life without, great friends, and a life in America. So that is what I will be focusing on now. It is sad that it took me three years to figure this all out, but I will forever be grateful to this trip, for helping me come to this realization. I will forever treasure this city, and the time I had here, but I am now ready to move on."
Peace Love and Epiphonies
Jess <3
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